Mine to keep
by A Soulless Poet
Summary: He lied to keep her safe. Lied to keep her heart whole. At least...that's what he hoped for. In the end, he broke her heart. Just as he did his own... He remembered...and wished to god he didn't.


_**To thoughs lost souls that have loved and lost...this is for you. For the hurt, the angry, the left behind, this is for you. For thoughs who have broken hearts and had theirs broken, this is for you. You are not alone. The song is not my own, the tale is.* ** _

_I think you can do much better than me  
After all the lies that I made you believe  
Guilt kicks in and I start to see  
The edge of the bed  
Where your nightgown used to be  
I told myself I won't miss you  
But I remember..._

Leaning over the railing, Lavi stared dejectedly. He'd been lying for so long, it had all caught up with him. She'd found out...she'd found out and when she questioned him, he'd fallen back onto his lies. At first it started out with his father – the old panda – telling him that he had to lie to stay here at Order High. He had to lie and say he didn't care for any of his friends. To lie and say that no matter what happened, it was just history to him. Lavi had to lie and say he didn't love Tohru...

The one thing that stopped him from believing the lie one hundred percent?

His _heart._

Deep in his heart he _did _love her. He loved Tohru and didn't want to let go. He wanted to hold her close and shield her from the coming storm of emotions. Negativity. People that didn't want them to be together. To love her and tell her that everything was going to be okay. Whisper sweet nothings and hold her close.

But...he didn't...instead he lied.

He lied to keep her safe. Lied to keep her heart whole.

At least...that's what he hoped for.

In the end, he broke her heart. Just as he did his own...

He remembered..._and wished to god he didn't. _

_What it feels like beside you  
I really miss your hair in my face  
And the way your innocence tastes  
And I think you should know this  
You deserve much better than me_

Lavi could remember the first time he kissed her. He'd just got out of his car when he saw her. Tohru. Quickly he adjusted his button down shirt and checked his pockets. When he turned, she stood there dressed in a white button down blouse, the sleeves rolled up just below the elbow. Laughing, Lavi plucked at his own shirt. White shirt, dark denim jeans and black skateboard shoes. Tohru's was much the same except for her black ballet slippers. Lavi could still feel the warmth of her hands in his...her tiny hands, he felt warm...safe...

But still he lied.

_While looking through your old box of notes  
I found those pictures I took  
That you were looking for  
If there's one memory I don't want to lose  
That time at the mall  
You and me in the dressing room_

For their first date, Lavi took her to the mall. They had pot-stickers and ramen noodles, each of their favorites. After they were done their dinner, they went music shopping for Tohru and book shopping for Lavi. He still had that worn copy of _Catcher in the rye. _He'd found her _Hinder _CD tucked away in a box she'd tossed away.

After that, they'd gone too the clothing store and tried on countless outfits. Sun glasses, shoes, he'd even tried on a purse – just to make her laugh.

And still..._still he had to lie. _If she knew the truth, she'd have hated him more fierce, a lot sooner.

_I told myself I won't miss you  
But I remember  
What it feels like beside you  
I really miss your hair in my face  
And the way your innocence tastes  
And I think you should know this_

They'd been dating for five years, the last grade in school and ready to go to collage. It was their last day at school when they made love. That's what it was then..._love._ Lavi loved Tohru. Even now, if he dug deep enough, poked, picked and let his heart bleed...he would find that he still loved her. At the time, Lavi had convinced his father to go away for the day and night. He needed the house for a graduation party. That was the truth – it was a party – but for her and him alone.

Grasping the cloth at his chest, Lavi took a deep breath. Thinking about it made his heart ache, feel like it was ripping in two. Shattering to a million pieces.

…_..You deserve much better than me..._

He could still see her face. The memory washed before his closed eyes. The bright and azure blue had faded to a deeper, darker blue. Storm clouds – it reminded him of storm clouds – the colour of iron. Tohru's cheeks were rosy from embarrassment, her slight frame shook with anger. Lavi had to steel himself, make his voice ice cold. Inside, he was shivering, just as angry just as embarrassed. Inside, he hated himself. His father had said the choice was his. Love her and have to leave her forever...or hurt her forever and stay stuck here, forced to watch as she moved on. Fear of his father trumped his love for Tohru at that given moment. And he regretted every. Damned. Second.

_The bed I'm lying in is getting colder  
Wish I never would've said it's over  
And I can't pretend... I won't think about you when I'm older  
Cause we never really had our closure  
This can't be the end_

Ever since he'd left Tohru, he couldn't sleep well. Lavi would lie in bed for hours just staring at nothing, lost in the memories. Tired of tossing and turning, his mind not shutting off, Lavi would pace his tiny apartment...eventually working his way towards the halls of his school. Quiet as he could be, the red-head would grab his Ipad and novel then go outside and sit under the cherry and apple blossom trees. Their scents calmed him...helped him – if but for a moment – still his mind, calm his heart. For but a moment...

_I really miss your hair in my face  
And the way your innocence tastes  
And I think you should know this_

_You deserve much better then me_

When the wind blew through the area, the scent of cherry and apple blossoms filled his senses. Closing his eyes a moment, he took a deep breath. A small smile came to his lips for a moment. Relishing in the sting of the pain, Lavi sighed. He deserved this. Right now, this pain was his alone to bear. He just hoped that Tohru wasn't going through the same. He knew she was. And that caused him to hurt even more.

_I really miss your hair in my face  
And the way your innocence tastes  
And I think you should know this  
You deserve much better than me_

Shoving himself off the railing, Lavi walked towards the cherry and apple blossom trees. Once there, he removed his socks and shoes, grabbed his writing pad and set to work. When he was done, he stood and walked away. Petals floated down slowly and landed on what he'd left behind. A well worn copy of _Catcher in the rye, _a _Hinder _CD and a drawing. A man, just the shoulders and above are drawn, beside him a woman likewise drawn. The two are looking at each other, you can see the love in their eyes... under that love,the sadness. At the bottom is written a script – his best hand-writing.

…._A life time of regrets, mine to keep, _

_A life time of regrets, yours to discard,_

_A life time of regrets, ours to forgive..._


End file.
